Confidence is not something with which we are born. It’s a feeling that you develop with
experience and mastery of many different life skills. Most people have confidence in at least one
area in their lives such as in their jobs, their schoolwork, in raising their
children, playing a sport, driving a car, or cooking a fabulous dinner. Yet they lack confidence when it comes to
dating and meeting new people. The good
news is that lack of confidence is something that can be changed with
practice. Just like you can learn to be
a confident, safe driver, you can also learn to be confident and secure when getting
out there on the dating scene. Below are
4 tips for doing just that.
Tip# 1: Change your posture to maximize your
potential for confidence. Many
people don’t realize that half of your self-confidence comes from your posture
and the way you choose to stand, walk, and talk. Quite honestly if you walk like a confident
person with your back straight, shoulders back, and head straight up, then you
will feel more confident, whereas slouched shoulders and looking down to the ground
can bring your mood down causing you to feel sluggish and indifferent as if you
don’t want to be bothered. Also when you
maintain a slouched posture, people will rarely notice that you exist. They will pass you without seeing you, which
is terrible thing when you goal is to meet someone new. However, a confident posture attracts
attention. You will find that when you
walk with a confident posture that people will notice you and are more likely
to make eye contact with you. So, as an
exercise, visualize what a confident person looks like. How do they talk? How do they walk? What type of gestures do they make? Then try to imitate all of these postures and
mannerisms. You will quickly find that
by changing your posture, you are also increasing your confidence with very
little effort because it’s hard to be insecure when you are determined to stand
in a posture of strength.
Tip #2-Stop the
negative self-talk. Changing your posture can only go so far, you also have
to change your mental monologue within your own head. Many times you can talk yourself out of
opportunities to meet someone new because you tell yourself mentally that you
are not good enough, attractive enough, or funny enough to be successful. This negative self-talk creates fear and
indecision. Negative self-talk can lead
to you declining invitations to events because what if you don’t know anyone
there and what if you feel awkward. Also,
you may really want to introduce yourself to someone you like, but you don’t
have the confidence to approach them because you’ve created a very vivid image
in your head of how you will be rejected.
This type of negative self-talk is self-sabotaging and is a killer to
your confidence.
Once you realize that you’re being self-defeating like this,
try to switch your focus by improving your posture and giving yourself positive
reinforcement. Be proud that you caught
yourself in the habit of negative self-talk and were conscious enough to stop
it. Many people are incapable and
completely unaware when they are trash talking themselves. It is truly an achievement when you can break
this bad habit and replace it with good habits that build yourself up so you
can finally conquer your fears. So
instead of focusing on your own inadequacies try to focus on getting to know another
person. What can you learn from
them? What makes them interesting? What do the two of you have in common? Stay curious about other people and you will
never run out of things to say and you will also distract yourself from any
negative self-analysis.
Tip #3-Have
reasonable expectations when meeting new people. You are literally trying to find one person
out of billions to spend the rest of your life with. Really stop to think about that. One out of billions, so of course you
are going to come across people who are not a good fit for you. Of course, you are going to have some
failures. This is a normal part of
finding the right one; you have to weed out all the wrong ones first. Your goal should be to spend as little time
as possible on the wrong ones so you can move quickly to those special people
who are relationship material.
I relate dating to finding a new house or apartment. You have a lot of different criteria when you
looking for a new home. Your new home
must have good parking, a good neighborhood, a certain number of bedrooms and
bathrooms, and a gas fireplace would be nice too. So you search for homes that meet your
criteria and then you set up dates to see those homes in persons. Many of those places looked great on paper,
but when you get there for an appointment, you realize that it’s not right for
you, so you simply move on to the next place.
You don’t get frustrated, you don’t cry, you don’t get upset that the sales
agent is not chasing you down to try to sell you the place. You just move on because you know there are
other places out there to live. You have
to have the same attitude when you are dating.
When you don’t click with someone, it’s really not a big deal, move on
to the next one. If he doesn’t call,
it’s really not a big deal, move on to the next one. Always remember that you cannot control
anything the other person will say or do.
You can only control yourself.
Even a failed attempt is a blessing because that attempt was great
practice for the real thing.
Tip #4-Always keep
trying, always keep meeting new people because practice builds experience and
experience builds confidence. Let’s
face the facts, when it comes to dating, you are going to have some
failures. There are very few of us who
marry our very first boyfriend or girlfriend and spend the next 80 years of our
lives with only that person. Everyone
else has had failures in relationships.
Everyone has been hurt. You are
not alone, so do not get discouraged by these failures. They are learning experiences and are a
natural part of your life. So after
every failed relationship no matter how short or long it was, try to learn from
that experience. You should write down
some notes on why that person was a bad pick for you, about the mistakes that
person made, and about the mistakes that you made and how in the future you
will avoid these mistakes because an experience is only valuable if you learn
something from it.
